- Offline Recess
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Being fake online
I'm talking about myself
Allie Lehman
January 05, 2025 • Estimated Reading Time: 5 minutes
A quick summary: It’s Sunday and today we’re exploring:
Reflecting on my real self
A few things I think are cool
My word for 2025
I did not have anyone edit this so if you see a typo, be relieved that I’m a human and not a robot.
Intersections
things that are connecting during my recess
I’ve spent the last few years (especially while writing this newsletter) trying to distance myself from stuff. Things. Objects. Shopping. Links to products. Talking about consumption. I’ve always prided myself on not using affiliate links or making money from this newsletter (I’ve been writing this for 5 years). Maybe I thought it made my quest for connection easier. Maybe I thought it made me a better person. Maybe I thought it was a way to show up online ethically. Maybe I thought I chose the right side.
I did a little journaling exercise last week where I wrote down traits of my “true self” and the traits of my “role self” (or the things I do because I think I need to do them). The prompt encouraged thinking back to when you were a kid. Instead of depending on my memory, I pulled out my old diaries.
I wrote about Things a lot. After every trip to the mall, every birthday, every Christmas, I would draw every object that I received. I was so excited. Adam asked me a few nights ago why I think I did that. I had a hard time answering at first. Later, I came to the conclusion that the objects were a mirror. They affirmed or told me more about who I was. I liked something so much that I asked for it. I received a gift and it made me feel seen (or the opposite, too). I could express myself through my clothes, the music, my perfume. I still remember what a specific Limited Too coat looked, felt, and smelled like. I remember my jewelry (I only had a few pieces). I remember how excited I was to have an inflatable purple couch in my room. I remember my stamp collection, my comic book collection, my rock collection, and my eraser collection. I found a lot of joy in the things that caught my eye. And all of this is still true about me! I love Things.
A few years ago, I sold a lot of books filled with my illustrations and stories. Then I sold prints. I put all of the profit into a bank account and used it to pay for my newsletter and my online shop. And the money ran out last week! I had set it up and forgot about it.
This is why I started thinking about consumerism, spending, buying, money, and Things. The last five years I’ve battled with who I am at my deepest/shallowest levels. I claimed this newsletter was just for fun. But it was fun that had bills to pay! Which makes it…a business. Or at least just real life. It’s funny to observe the stories we tell ourselves.
Ultimately, a lot of this reflection has made me really stop and consider my real self. I’ve shown up online in small ways, vulnerably. I think that’s smart in many ways. But I’ve been wholeheartedly my role self. I’ve made myself palatable out of a desire to avoid critique and to be likeable.
I’m excited to enter into this new year with the intention of pulling my real self up to the surface.
And if you’ve enjoyed this newsletter over the years, you can help contribute to it. I don’t have any intention of putting up a paywall but you can Venmo me @alliepal or send a tip via Paypal (this account is under my maiden name Jocson because Paypal makes it nearly impossible to change your name).
Crossed my path
random things from the last few weeks I’ve loved
The quote “The best New Year’s resolution I ever made was to start devouring all my nicest things, and save no small pleasure for an unspecified future.”
Sleep. I’ve been sick since Christmas. I am nearing the light at the end of the tunnel (in the health way, not the death way).
My word of the year
happy new year and all that
My word for 2025 is FEEL. So I’ll be visiting this website a lot. Probably daily.
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